Archive 15

September 2005

Friday - September 30, 2005 - Are You Hyped...

Appetizer: When was the last time you visited a hospital? When my grandfather was in the hospital. He had to get knee replacement surgery. I actually accidentally missed track practice because I went to see him.
Soup: On a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 being highest, how ambitious are you? Hm, that's not so obvious a question for me. I am very ambitious as in what I would like to do (which at the moment involves a PhD, college professorship, research, and books). However, I don't obssess over it and make it my life, I am am a very providential/fate/wyrd (cite to Cecil's class) person- if it is meant to happen and I put in the effort, it will happen. Probably 8 or 9.
Salad: Make a sentence using the letters of a body part. (Example: (mouth) My other ukelele tings healthily.)ba, I'll do it in two languages. Throat: Their heart rate obviously anticipates terror. (la) gorge: Great octopuses randomly grate eskimoes. (who said it had to make sense, hm)
Main Course: If you were to start a club, what would the subject matter be, and what would you name it? There are too many clubs at my school already, lol. I like Steph's idea for a service organizational club. I would start a book club if anyone actually had time to read outside of class. Im all out of ideas otherwise.
Dessert: What color is the carpet/flooring in your home? We have like 50 different floorings according to each room. My room is a navy blue carpet and wood panel on the other half. My Dad's/computer room has horrid tangerine carpet. The upstairs halls are blue. My brothers white, both carpet. white, pink, fushia tile in my bathroom. wood floors with mutlicolored orientals in dining and living rooms and hallway. green and white tile in kitchen. marroon carpet on hardwood floor in family room. concrete flooring in basement, wood floor in attic. satisfired?

The Harry Potter trailer was amazing, (just remembering it from when I saw Corpse Bride). I cannot wait, seriously. It's a lot darker, more mature. I am just beyond words.

Corpse Bride

Teachers Part II
[didn't get to write about those yet]

(Listening to some classical music, to stimulate my mind. Not really: I am listening but not for that reason, and Josh Groban is as close to non-classical classical gets anyway. Who cares, I like classical music, get over it.

I decided to update this a little with stuff from my blog. No explanations, thats just the way it is. Im so tired of online dramas, seriously, the computer is just stupid. (such a contradicting statement, my bad) Theres nothing on my blog I dont want people to see, its just stuff Im not comfortable with. Contradictory to some of the things I have said previously about myself. I am who I am, and I do, as everyone else, have characteristics I dont particularly like about myself, or truth about my existence I dont like to face everyday of my life.)

Some of Josh Groban's songs just really... impact you, for lack of a better term. It calms my nerves extraordinarily, helps me concentrate, soothes me to sleep: I owe a lot to Josh. His name doesn't sound complete unless you say the whole thing, Groban is just no and Josh sounds like Josh Hartnett or someone I know personally or something.

Title, for football game tonight. I must go prepare actually, time to finally get off and do something productive.
(relaxed)

Why isn't anyone online, it isn't that late. I guess everyone is out having fun or hanging out, unlike my uncool self who sits at the computer on a weekend-night once again, semi-pittying herself.

The game was awesome, I was so glad I went. I mean, we lost terribly, Catholic steamrolled us much worse than I thought they would. I would have thought we would have put up some fight, but oh well. I don't really have to bother myself with how our football team plays. I could have had more fun, but it was definitly a good time. It was nice to have everyone altogether for once, though, I dont know, I felt like that kind of created a bit of tension. Should be interesting to replay that at my party.

I really hope our (mine and Sarah's) party goes over well. I want it to be good, though I feel like it's beyond my control. I might research some ideas now that I'm online, find some inspiration.

I am much more relaxed tonight, especially when compared with my hperactivity last night. It hardly feels that it is past midnight. I'm so unsure of my psychology at the moment. If I went by instinct, or just off the rood (haha, nice Old English phrase for you there), I would say I am suffering from infatuation, something not so unusual for me. (in fact, something I have been plagued by all of my recent past) I am attracted, for sure, but I am doubtful as to whether it has anymore depth than that. I will not push it any farther until I actually make a move/ recieve some feedback, or whatever. I dont really care at this very moment.

I really love to sing. I haven't really done it properly in quite a while. I should like to join choir, but I don't know, I admit to being intimidated by the audition process. I used to be not such a bad singer, I loved Mrs. murray's choir, and I almost regret leaving, but it would be too demanding with all my other obligations with high school. Mr. Powell got all serious this year with auditions, and I know I would freak if I went to do one. I am a very introverted person, in case you didn't notice. I haven't done a musical audition for over 5 or 6 years. I would hope my voice has not regressed, but I am terribly self-conscious and worrisome, I just know I would screw up an audition out of a combination of nerves and self-consciousness. I just miss singing with quality musicians, teachers and songs.

It got so cold all of the sudden. Last night I had my air conditioner on with shorts and a t-shirt. Tonight, I am tempted to turn on the heat and am in long pants, slippers, and a jacket and my hands are nearly frozen. Don't get me wrong, I am basking in this cool weather, it is more just a shocking observation. Reminds me of how it was in Scotland. Cool during the day, cooler at evening and cold at night. Quite nice if you ask my opinion.

TIme for bed I think, though I am not overly tired as I have been the past few days. I need my rest, and it is very boring with no one to talk to, I was getting used to chatting with Steve a lot. (listless)

Ashley thought you were the one @4:02 AM

Thursday - September 29, 2005 - Long Time No See...

CCHS game tomorrow, I cannot wait. (I hope you appreciate this, I am sacrificing my sleep to write in this most annoying, yet somehow therapudic... thing) It should be awesome. Everyone, I mean everyone is going to be there, and itll be at night, the new field, upperclassmen now, just everything, the hype. It better not let me down, I just dare it to.

Yea, you know it will suck now right. Oh well, I'll get over it.

I love the new All American Rejects album, it is most definitly growing on me. My attention span is at like negative 1 today. I am usually pretty calm and concentrated, but I cant calm my nerves or fidgetting in the slightest today. And it doesnt have to do with anyone, I dont think.

Why do I always have to return to that annoying topic - yea, I need to find some variations of annoying, I use it far too often. I do this to myself. I need to stop myself from the beginning, and root out the problem. Unfortunatly, I cant seem to stop myself, a really bad habbit, a very terrible habbit. Why do they have to be so appealing, so seemingly perfect, in a way, so attractive. I seriously give up.

Im too befuddled to be doing anything. Its really hurting my head, I cant think this late at night anymore, my brain does not work.
Yea now Im IMing people I shouldnt. Just out of the blue because Im not thinking. Just following my animal, stupid instincts. Why is he not away? He should stay away, where he is safe, where Im safe. I need to close my buddy list and get offline. I need to stop thinking, I need to take control of myself.

I commited the ultimate crime, I am even surprised I did it. Its only making it worse, hes so much better when you talk to him, its not fair. Im going to cry, though not really. Why am I nervous, unsteady, hyperavtive, fidgety, yes, those are rhetorical questions.
Secrets are no fun. Yea, I hate them. Why am I still up, why dont I divulge my secret, why dont I kill it, why is it real, is it real? All question still. Another bad habbit.
Im like shaking. not cool. my typing is failing me. I must go, when I stop talking to, yea, I was just about to say their name, saved myself, just barely. (hyper)

Ashley thought you were the one @11:32 PM

Monday - September 26, 2005 - Short intermission...

I should go work on NHS paper, should. But will I? I seriously doubt it.

I am dying in math already. I got a 74 rounded to a 86 on the first test which was supposed to be easy. This is almost as bad as Bio freshmen year, except this year I am actually working my ass off and only getting slightly better grades. I need to go look at my test and try even harder I guess. I'm so lost in that class, I suppose I should consider whether or not to drop it, but that would just be gay considering how far I've gotten. I just need to learn to work harder, put in everything I have, sweat, blood and tears.

Making eye contact. I freaked in class, my natural reaction: starting and quickly looking away. Upon reflection I now realize I should have held it, if just to see what further reaction I got, see what happened, be a little daring for once. (you know, my lack of grammar and punctuation is almost as bad as that of Chaucer in Cantebury Tales which renders it nearly undecipherable.)

I should like to eradicate "you know" and "like" from my vocabulary. They are both terrible words/phrases/pauses. They're my rendition of "um" or "eh". Hopefully, nice and "to be" are on the black list as well.

She was the one to hold me
The night
The sky fell down
And what was I thinking when
The world didn't end
Why didn't I know what I know now

Would you look at her
She looks at me
She's got me thinking about her constantly
But she don't know how I feel
And as she carries on without a doubt
I wonder if she's figured out
I'm crazy for this girl

Great song, I have been in love with it since early middle school, a long time, for me at least. What is more amazing is that I still love it just as much as I did then. I can still jam around in my room lip-synching to it, weird person that I am.

Ashley thought you were the one

Sunday - September 25, 2005 - Back to School...

Went to see Corpse Bride today with my grandparents, fun times, kind of, yea. No, they're cool and I dont get to see them often and they're moving to Indiana so it was all good. The movie was amazing, so much better than I thought it would be. I will hopefully add a review to my reviews page. Hopefully (not a real word as I found out from Ms. Patterson). For your sake and mine.

I should say hello to someone since it seems like I am constantly stalking them, but being true to my shy self I will not. It really is an obssession more than anything else, too much alike to my obssession with Brad last year: unhealthy and only resulting in absolutly nothing but pure idiocy (upon reflection). *shakes head, laughing pitifully* It is quite sad. I am determined to not like anyone... not anymore but not unless there is some hope of something coming out of it, anything. Why do I keep looking at my buddy list, why?? What is the point, why do I make absolutly no sense? Why do I ask only questions, give no answers, expect no answers, but still look for answers when there are none to be had? Why dont I do something about it?
I need to stop obssessing, my gosh, but it is only getting worse. I need something to distract me or else itthey will consumer my thoughts for the rest of the night, which will be very bad. I need to stop. Now. Not later. Now. Now. Now. Ahhhh, stop, stop, stop. Ar, this is not cool.
Why wont he sign off so he wont be in my face. Time to get off and go finish my french and try to remember forget this annoying kid. so long, farewell. (annoyed)

Ashley thought you were the one @12:29 PM

Saturday - Septmeber 24, 2005 - Saturday Night...

I'm so tried, arr. lol. My eyes are like refusing to remain open, I might do better to go to bed and wake up early tomorrow. I have been really tired lately. My lack of sleep sleeping habits are catching up with me. My constant tired feeling is returning - not a good thing. It will get really hard to pay attention in class and do work, etc.

Appetizer: Name something someone has done lately that impressed you. Hmm, Steve on his history paper which he totally killed me on. And Tom, who is now in my AP US History class and my Honors English class. I mean he already impressed my with his MySpace blog but this kind of confirmed that, made it real.
Soup: Do you have any relaxing rituals? If so, what are they? When I have time I either run (if is really bad) or chill to some music. Short term I usually close my eyes and pray actually - my faith has been steadily growing for the past year. Still no "trial" yet though.
Salad: If you could spend the winter season somewhere other than your current location, where would you choose to stay? England, Scotland would be really cold but breatakingly beautuiful I am sure. (Expecting me to say somewhere south weren't you? not your typical North-easterner I know)
Main Course: When was the last time you had dinner out, and what was the name of the restaurant? I actually just ate out with Sarah at the Silver Diner (meatloaf was good). Last time I went to a nice restaurant was with Kate, Erin and Rachel probably a week before school started. We went to Cuba Libre (in Philadelphia) which was amazing inside and had magnificent food.
Dessert: If you had a boat, what would you name it? As for my license plate - a bit off topic - I thought the other day, if I could, I'd like FRDOLVS (Frodo Lives). As for a boat - October Rain. Just felt like it.

Someone today inquired as to whether Steve and I were going out. I found that a funny and interesting inquiry. They had valid reasons. I mean, when I mentioned going to the movies before it kind of crossed my mind that it would sound like a date, but I know Steve - he's too much of a guy to make anything of little stuff like that. That is why we are so close I think, we are really comfortable with each other and can do and say whatever when we are together without thinking twice. Its very relaxing and fun. I miss A Days a lot. (sleepy)

Ashley thought you were the one @11:43 PM

Friday - September 23, 2005 - Driving Catastrophes...

Originally, my driving test was scheduled for my birthday, October 12, which I was quite happy with. However, immediately upon recieving my school calendar I saw that we are taking the PSAT's on my brithday so I obviously had to change my test date. Well, it has taken me three weeks to get Dad to actually change it (keep in mind that during these three weeks the test is frequently on my mind, a constant worry/anxiety to add to the many crowding my mind - also I have to concentrate on bringing it up to Dad 24/7 to make sure it gets done, another wasted and furitive effort). So, luckily Dad had to goto DMV (Department of Motor Vehicles for those unfamiliar with driving lingo) today to register a car, so I accompanied him. Well, let's just say my test isn't set at the date that i had quite hoped it to be. Yea, make it about 2 months later than my original test (December 12).
I was more than a little pissed and frustrated, as I perpetually am whenever the topic of driving is unwisely brought up. Simply put, we cannnot afford for me to have a car right now. I have no time to go out and get a job to pay for it myself (with my abundant schoolwork -2 AP's- and track starting in November) so I am stuck. Dad has also been putting off my license because we can't afford insurance, which will be high, though he really infuriates me by blaming my bad driving skills.
That only incenses me more becuase it is not my fault that I never drive. Who has to be in the car with me while I drive? Who is never around to drive with? Who never lets me drive, even when they are around? And who, when I finally do drive, acts like I'm going to crash the car and complains about how bad I drive and how much a rip off driving school was? Yes, the answer to all these questions is one person - Dad. Now I am not so conceited so as to think that I can blame all of this on Dad and complain about how he is ruining my life. There are many other factors, including many contributed by myself that have led me to this unfavorable path.

Now, I really don't want to sound like one of those "no one understands me" teenagers, becuase I am usually not like that at all - or at least hope I am not. I can't help myself from this argument, especially seeing as Ms. Cecil fueled it by her agreement. Anyway, to the point, I can't help resist arguing that Dad really doesn't understand my situation at school or such. I mean, he knows about peer pressure, they had it when he was at school, but a lot has changed since then. He always argues, oh grandad did this, grandad did that. Even so, this is not then, times have dramatically changed. They didnt even know what computers were then and now I sit at one for have my life typing away. It's not so much that people are bothering me or making fun of me for not having a car or not getting my license. It's more that everyone always asks all the time about it and I have to listen everyday to everyone chatting about the new car they're getting and such. It's inadverted pressure, of course, and I do like to hear what everyone is doing about driving and cars, it just gets to me and reminds me of things I'd rather not think about. Like, I wouldn't mind so much not having a car or my license if I wasn't reminded of this lack 24/7.

I've calmed down a bit now. Easier, more peaceful thoughts and medidtations.
Filling out MySpace thing. I came to a realization. I am very afraid of showing my true self to peolpe, even in stupid stuff like that. The fact is that I know a lot of people will see that and I suppose I'm afraid of what people would think of the "real" me.
I mean, I hardly ever put up a false front or pretend to be someone I'm not. I just usually hide my personality or thoughts and such. As truthful and philosophical as Tom is on his MySpace (btw, I'm just using Tom as an example, the first person who, fitted my purposes and came to mind), he... No, I guess Tom does put it out in the open. If you read his info, I don't know. I'm just being all sentimental and weird. He's so deep and truthful and out in the open, something I only wish I could do. I always hide, all the time. A flaw in my character, one I find hard to recognize, let alone nearly impossible to rectify.
I am very ambiguous in my hiding. I say things that can and often do have multiple meaning and interpretations. Or else I'll say things that people can't make the meaning out of at all. Like my quotes. Now if people were cool, they would ask me about my quotes, lol. I guess that is probably why I put them in my AIM profile, to appear intriguing. I pick and chose the thins about myself that I think are most acceptable and only display those parts. So, unlike alot of people who put on "false" faces, I just put on selected and edited faces. Which is worse? (sick)

Ashley thought you were the one @7:21 PM

Wednesday - September 21, 2005 - Music...

I've been on the computer way too long, doing nothing. I just talked to Kate for a while, killing my cell phone minutes, lol.

I've spent my whole life on this gay machine. Its so annoying, gosh. Time to get off soon. I'm almost done my article, finally. I anjoy listening to music and then being able to write about it and call that work.

All AR - more diverse, less "jumpy", less "sing-songy"/pop. different sound entirely. more instruments/variety - electronic, violins -lyrics:still about girls/love -2 ballads -still upbeat, lively

Weezer - more upbeat, not much variety, more pop sounding -3 ballads

Switchfoot - same rhythm, tone, style; varied song lyrics = Christian; a few bland songs, a few highly energetic ones -strong beats, a bit repetitive at times

Bah, Im done, my article stinks, but at the very least it is written, there is plenty of time for revision and such. I wish I was as good a writer as Brice, but I probably will never be, not my luck, oh well. (discontent)

Ashley thought you were the one

Tuesday - September 20, 2005 - School Days...

Ashley thought you were the one

Monday - September 19, 2005 - St. Thomas Aquinas

My title actually touches on an irony of today in class. Well, as you can see, in one of my previous entries I mentioned Aquinas and today in religion we began talking about him quite involvedly (I actually have to research him for homework). The irony, if you cant see it (my humor is odd, I know this), is that a) I already know about Aquinas and b) ... yea, I dont feel like explaining it. Too personal, lol. Not really, but Im just trying to not think about that. You get my point.

I really shouldn't be on the computer, an enormous waste of time. I'd rather be on in the afternoon than at night though.

Went on a shopping binge this weekend. OUtlets - great things - down in Atlantic City. Shirts at Gap, H&M, Fossil and two pairs of cords from American Eagle. Yesterday at Target I bought another t-shirt (Halloween -what can I say, I love the holiday) and 3 cd's. I'll tell more about them when i have had the time to thoroughly listen to them.

Time to go do hw. (confused)

Ashley thought you were the one @6:11 PM

Wednesday - September 14, 2005 - Frustration...

I'm so conflicted and just tired already, which is plain annoying and foreboding - I can't think anymore, I do more than enough of that in school already.
Anyway, I'm still frustrated. I cant sort out what Im thinking or what Im feeling or even discern the two. Have you ever had a yearning for something, but when you attain it you no longer care for it? I suppose I am having trouble identifying what I want in the first place. (Yes I know I am being very vague, I dont know if I trust the public with the specifics, ineffective as they may be. People love to misconstrue things, and nothing so much as things I write: or so I have found at the least. One of the nice things about being theoretical, nothing personal has to be exposed)

Appetizer: Who is the easiest person for you to talk to? Hard one, probably Kate or Sarah or Steve or Caitlyn. Too hard to choose, they all have their different perspectives and qualities and I would feel bad if I tried to choose just one.
Soup: If you could live in any ancient city during the height of the quality of its society and culture, which one would you choose? Marvelous, probably Rome. I just watched a few shows on it last week and it sounds like the place to be - or rather have been. They knew many of the scientific things we now know, were very educated, clean, and ... civilized, to be most specific.
Salad: What is the most exciting event you've ever witnessed? I cant recall anything extraordinary off the top of my head.
Main Course: If you were a celebrity, what would you do for a publicity stunt? Nothing because I dont like publicity: I am an "in the shadows" type of person.
Dessert: What do you consider the ideal age to have a first child? And how often have I discussed this with Sarah? To the latter question, far too much. For the former, I believe late 20's, but I am no expert and will not even pretend to be. I, personally, am just planning to go with the flow. I am not even going to try and plan anything because I know my plans will be destructed before I can properly assemble them.

The assembly today was interesting, to say the least. As Kate, Ro and I were slinking up the concrete path as fast as possible in the great horde of students in a mass exodus from the field in the ever increasing downpour, we could not help but laugh. I was almost crying I was laughing so hard at the simple absurdity of the situation. I didnt bother drying off after that period for the rain hardly stopped thereafter. I was quite comforted to have Ms. Patterson after the bad excuse for a mass. She gave us candy and we pretty much just relaxed and chatted for the hour. (tired)

Ashley thought you were the one @6:57 PM

Tuesday - September 13, 2005 - Someone save me...

Gosh, the computer is going so slow, it is really annoying. I should be doing my ever mounting mountain (haha at the alliteration -not really funny, I know, just my corny humor) of homework, oh well, I'll get to that soon enough. Tentative college fair at CCHS tonight too.

out cold 1512: i'm trying to decide if i still wanna work during the school yr out cold 1512: i feel like i'll have so much stuff to do i won't have time to hang out between work and school on the weekend out cold 1512: s out cold 1512: what should i do? aine121: true aine121: I was thinking about the same thing aine121: cuz I wanted to get a job for a car and car insurance aine121: but I have no idea when I could work out cold 1512: yeah same her out cold 1512: e aine121: bw school, hw, and then any time with friends there is like no time left over out cold 1512: exactly out cold 1512: but if i tell my mom she'll be like "it's only for 4 hours! you don't go out anyway!" but i want like downtime i don't wanna do homework then go to work then go to bed lol out cold 1512: so i think i'm gonna see if she'll let me quit aine121: exactly, you need time to chill and clear your mind out cold 1512: cause i think i'll be working friday nights, and sat. and sun every weekend out cold 1512: it'll be too much out cold 1512: yeah aine121: and your taking an ap this year
Mostly for my own records, I was seriously considering a job, but after this convo with Steve Im thinking of reconsidering. I'm dying under all my work now, I couldnt imagine taking away time for a job, I would be dead in two days, lol.

Just made the title. Now as an outsider what could the possible meanings be. There are kind of more than one implied. An obvious one anyone would know, or at least anyone at Bishop Eustace. The others are kind of subjective and hidden, can you find them, lol. It's always great fun to play with people's heads, I can see where Sarah gets her amusment from it. (blah)

Ashley thought you were the one @5:31 PM

Sunday - September 11, 2005 - Philosophical Matters...

"We may not be able to win every battle, we may not be able to knock down every enemy standing in our way, but as long as we do not forsake our morals and we keep our friendships strong, we can keep a sense of dignity and, even if we do eventually lose, we can fail in our own way, on our own terms. If this happens, even the most bitter defeat is like a sweet victory."

Quote from Thomas, who I shall start calling St. Thomas Acquinas if he doesn't stop being so smart philosophically. Tom is really inspiring, I could go on all day about my admiration for him though doubtless any and everyone would be quite bored. Though, really, I suppose there isnt much more to say on Tom besides that he is a very cool guy. He deserves someone who can truly appreciate him. (though in theory, I think that is exaclty what everyone needs- someone who appreciates them for themselves with all their imperfections and annoyances and talents and quirks) Thats is what I need,lol.

See, I know what I am, what I like, but I can never decide what I want and make decisions. I am horrible at commitment and have no confidence in myself or my decisions (as I wrote in one of my English papers-which just makes me cringe in remembrance). That is a quality I need to fix, but it's nearly as impossible as reversing time. I need other people's influence aka my friends. They're cool about it usually, but I'm kind of in denial now and overly modest. I cant accept compliments, will hate every picture of myself until I die and lose the skill of speech very often.
I wish all this thinking could produce some action, lol. Man, do I say lol and like way too much or what. Another fact of my existence. And also another one I'd like to ammend.
Life is an endless journey... one I'd like to traverse far and wide to its greatest capabilities... (pensieve)

Ashley thought you were the one @9:15 PM

Saturday - September 10, 2005 - Sumemr Summer over?

Guys, haha. Eustace holds little to no prospects for me I feel. I dont really like any of the underclassmen, they are just weird. I know hardly any seniors, and have maybe spoken with a few like Gatti last night (awesome kid guy) or Simone. Our grade isnt much better as most of them are complete assholes and so I dont care to know them, and then many others I simply dont know either. Then, the few I do know, a:hold little prospect (not for me), b:are off limits, c:I dont know well and probably wont know much better-or enough to goto the next level or even get comfortable with them, and most importantly d:they would never like me (a rule applying to all of the above mentioned). I'm not looking for pity, I dont really feel sorry for myself, its just the truth: one you dont want to face but have to anyway.
I was wuite dissappointed in my book's happy ending, it was so life-like until then. The "love conquers all" theme, while a great one, rarely appears in reality so I found it quite disheartening to find it in a thoroughly realistic book. It is very misleading. Or maybe Im just overly pessimistic in my view of love in real life because when I think love and reality all I see is heartbreak and sorrow and tears and people breaking up themselves.
God, I really need to get more optimistic, lol.
That's why I love reading Tom's blog entries on myspace. Not to mention are they fantastically written and so very true, they are real. They recognize the struggle in life, but they remain optimistic and recognize the good and possibility (in theory) in people, in the human race.
I dont know, I've become quite disenchanted with life, or high-school, or maybe just love and relationships, I cant tell you.
I really admire Tom, like not to sound like some stalker or worshipper or whatever. But, he, I dont know, hes so deep, and thats something you hadly if EVER see from a member of the male race. You want to believe that he is a cool guy and decent and will treat a girl nicely. The sad thing about our messed up world is that you cant. You cant trust people, at all. Not ever, not... not even when they appear to be good, or say good things or do good things. Maybe that is another one of my innumerable issues, lol. The list goes on. (double-I have conflicting emotions- a conflict as in Tom's essay,lol- nervous, restless)

Ashley thought you were the one @5:15 PM

Yea, boring news I know. Had more fun and interesting convo with Sarah. Big range of topics, mostly about school though, and the wonderful and foreboding future. So much to do, so little time right? I'm so lost anymore, with just about everything. I think I know something and then someone or soemthing must prove me wrong. Now I find it dangerous to assume, guess or theorize anything.

Talking about searching for identity though, an interesting topic for me. SO many teenagers and young people always worry about "finding their true identity", becoming themselves. Maybe it's just me and my deluded self but I've never felt "not me" per se.
I've never felt the need to explore and find my true self because it feels to me I've always had it. I've never tried to be something I'm not or do things other people are doing just because they're doing it. I dress the way I like according to styles I approve of personally. I listen to music I like, taking in other's suggestions. I like what I want. I do what I want. I dont "dress to impress" and appear as people want or expect me to. I live for myself. Before I always assumed everyone else did as well, but I suppose many people dont, which is quite a shame. The only person you should set out each day to please is yourself, first at least. If you cant be true to yourself than your whole life is a lie, not to put it too harshly. What good will it do you to put up a fascade for other people to cover up your true self? Your true self is more beautiful than any mask you can wear because it is you, it is original, it is one-of-a-kind and something no one can ever take away from you. The thing I love about the mind and soul is that it will be there for you when all else isn't. As in this hurricane down in the south, when you lose your material possessions and maybe even your family, you will still have your mind and your strength, God-willing.

I suppose after such a lecture I should be contented with myself and my "marvelous" personality. I still have an incessant want for a boyfriend, or male attention,lol. I laugh at myself for my ridiculousness. This seems to be one of my few foolish angsts and also the one thing which I can't (and doesnt seem like I will ever) get. I must accept my fate I suppose, there is still hope in college, right? (cynical)

Ashley thought you were the one @1:59 AM

Friday - September 9, 2005 - School, what, what's that?

Kinf of off topic, but not... I am reading Second Helpings by Megan McCafferty, great book and sequel to an equally awesome book. It is written as a journal or rather stream of consciousness (as from my literature hw over the summer). I totally do the same thing in my head all day and the book makes me think even more on things that happen to me everyday and my life and my choices, etc.

High school is such a drama, just being there. I think Im just getting fed up with it in general. Like, I love hanging out with everyone outside of school and going to parties and such, but I dont know, when everyone's there its different somehow. I dont know, maybe Im just weird like that.

I got thinking today while we were all seated in the assembly to bore all other assemblies (What else can you really expect from bro jo). [on a side note, I have noticed my typing and thinking skills have conveniently returned to me in time for the advent of school, a good thing]
Anyway, back to topic, on the return, or rather new coming of Steve to our lovely establishment, I was thinking on the subject of guys, boyfriends, love, etc (a subject never far from a teenagers or woman's mind) I've had no luck, or at leas that's how I'd like refer to my "dryspell" as.

Time for ortho, more later, maybe, if I feel like bing depressed, lol...(calm)

Ashley thought you were the one @4:16 PM

Tuesday - September 6, 2005 - Thomas... the tank engine...

Katherine was spectacular. I love British histroy, as many people would be able to tell you. The book exactly depicts actual history, the author took part in little invention as to the actual events. The story is simply fantastic, as in the plot. I admore how it encompasses Katherine's entire life practically, more importantly her whole relationship with the Duke, her love. The love stroy is fantastic as well. It is not quite conventional and it doesn't consume the story... the book doesn't focus and only mention their love, how they meet, how they grow, etc. It more describes their relationship, its transitions, consequences, and other related ideas. Deeper themes are also present, such as that of God/faith, the church's corruption, the feudal system, and many others I can't begin to remember.
The story has much realism in it as well which is unlike most novels. While the ending can qualify as happy, there is much strife to attain it and it lasts not for long with a sort of bitterness to it. The story stirs your heart and the characters appear realistic and you feel for them. I wish more books could be as touching and stirring as that.

Bah, I cant talk, my mind refuses to function again, perhaps it is a protest against my approaching return to school and even more thinking. It is like a bad writer's block, but worse and affecting all my thoughts. Time for some rest I think as Im not doing anything tonight. Listen to some Josh Groban over some nice hot pg tips. Im comforted just thinking about it, lol.