*British at Heart*

Blog Archive 5

October 2004

Sunday, October 31, 2004 - Halloween!

I need to vent so bad, I am so frustrated and just ahhh!!! It is only cuz I have a lot of work, most of hich I got nothing done on this weekend as it was Halloween and the dance. I am so frigen tired it isn't funny, I am falling asleep and I hatebeing on the computer it is so uncomfortable and just annoying and I can't concentrate to save my life. I am getting a headache and I'd rather be doing pretty much anything else but this right now. I just want to goto sleep, if I didn't want to see Brad or goto crew tomorrow I probably would have taken off. I need something to wake me up or I am really going to just fall asleep right here at the computer, no joking, my eyes can barely stay open and my head hurts and I really just don't feel well. Did I ever mention I also hate writing reports or papers of anykind. I feel absolutly no satisfaction when they are done because they are all pieces of shit and I always have them one after another. After I'm done this Chem lab I have an english essay due the next day and an article analysis paper due next monday. It really, really sucks and is so annoying, let me tell you. Arr. There is so much work I just feel like crying.
Okay, I feel a lot better now, I just finished my lab. I get so stressed out sometimes it isn't even funny. I never, or try very hard not to get like that around anyone else though it is unavoidable at home because they see me all the time and at the times when I get stressed. I just get complete mental breakdowns, it is kind of scary, but more just unnerving because I can't control it, it just happens. It is something like Mr. Marquart talked about once. I have really high highs sometimes, but that only means that the lows are that much lower. Sometimes I start to think about how much I should type in here since it is public, though usually I don't restrain at all, sometimes I just wonder if I should if only because I have no idea who could see this. Someone who didn't know me would probably think I am some Brad-crazed girl with less than two cents worth of wits about her, lol.
I am not as tired as I was, lol. I'll probably go downstairs and work on my English as that is due on Tuesday. So much to look forward to, it only gets better and better let me tell you.
Yea, I think I am going to talk about the dance and tonight later. For general info, the dance was okay, actually one of the worst for me at Eustace (brad wasn't there *tear*not really but it was very sad) but tonight was awesome and more than made up for it. The weather was perfect, the trees looked nice and the sunset was awesome-all purple,pink,and teal- my favorite color combination. I hung out with Jacqui who I haven't seen in a while, which was really awesome and I actually didn't feel like a complete outsider among all my other old CCHS friends. I had fun talking with Kate too, mostly about Brad, a topic I could go on forever about as I'm sure you know, lol. I would talk about him now but it is too late and I'll go on til tomorrow morning. I am going to try and talk to him tomorrow though, topic: Halloween. I have it all planned out, lol. If I didn't I would totally freeze and mumble and not make any sense, not to say I won't now, it just isn't necessarily a guarentee now, lol.
I love the Switchfoot album, the Beautiful Letdown, it is awesome. Their concert was even more amazing, but the songs just are fabulous. Their rhythms,etc are really soothing and great to listen to and their lyrics really speak to you. I love it, can't describe exactly why, just do, especially "Dare You to Move". It challenges you to do something daring and just let it all go. The rhythm and beat and bg music are awesome too, it is definitly my favorite song on the album. Ironically, it also kind of reminds me of Brad. (pensive-this word always reminds me of Harry Potter)

Ashley cast a spell @12:20 AM

Friday, October 29, 2004 - New Layout

Yay, it is up, I haven't looked at the finished product yet, but hopefully it is good. I have to fix the font from chiller, which you can't read, to poor richard on some pages still but it is practically done. And before halloween, what a Halloween miracle. I have to go because I am meeting Kate at the movies to go see Shall We Dance, it looks pretty good, I'll have to review it for you when I get back. So long.
Sorry, I couldn't leave without saying something about Brad, that just isn't possible. Sarah talked to him and he said he probably isn't going to the dance on Saturday, so not cool. I really wanted to see him and dance with him if I could. I really, really, hope he changes his mind cuz it will just be gay without him, and I need him to be there so I can resolve this whole thing.It is really driving me crazy. (enraged)

Ashley cast a spell @6:01 PM

Back again, I am actually going to bed now, cuz it is pretty late and I have to get ready for the dance, which with any luck, and please everyone pray for this, that Brad will be there. It will just be no fun without him.
Man, I just spent like an hour playing the Lord of the Rings: Return of the King video game. I feel like I am blind cuz you play it on a small screen and I had the lights out for the effect,lol. I did pretty bad, on like level3 I died already. I am a girl, it is okay to suck at video games and sports, it is socially acceptable, lol. I must say I will always be better than a lot of girls athletically in general (not specifically in one sport).
The layout looks like crap right now, just give it time, I have to redo the background, it looks like a piece of dog poop to be nice about it. Be patient, all in good time. (tired)

Ashley cast a spell @12:52 AM

Thursday, October 28, 2004 - Where's the Luck?

I was just talking to Sarah, I literally just got off the phone, and guess what? She gave Brad a ride home from school today. Can you believe it? I am like so shocked and can barely believe it myself. My mouth was gaping like a foot long. Here is some of the info she found out: he is joining Italian club, cooking club, and film club. He might do track (running or throwing) and maybe soccer next year. He voted Bush in the school election today. He has some brothers (Sarah didn't give me many specific details, just saying they talked about a lot of different things including height and how the freshmen are tall) and he might be going to the dance on Saturday but he is not sure what he is going as. I still can't believe it, I am like unbelievably shocked, in case you couldn't tell from my crude language. I should have joined Italian club (why everyone was there today). I think I am going to join the film club. I really can't believe it though, no matter how many times I say it. It's not fair,lol. She said he actually wasn't as quiet as he usually is and she didn't just have to ask him questions, he was actually talking on his own. I would really love for him to go to the dance, I am really getting obssessed and it isn't cool at all cuz I hate acting like this and I hate how it consumes me and I become some stalker. I would be scared of me if I were him. Help me please. I am really pathetic and it is just sad in general.
Later-Okay, I am in the middle of putting the new layout up (can you guess what kind it is?), so the site is all messed up right now, sorry. I have to go to my Switchfoot concert though, yes, finally some time to stop thinking about Brad, lol. I gtg. (envious)

Ashley cast a spell @5:49 PM

Wednesday, October 27, 2004 - Brad, and AHHHH!!!

Sorry, I just had to get on and vent somewhere, I am going completely out of my mind. Okay, I am totally about to kill myself over what happened today. Not including homeroom, I saw Brad in gym today as he is in my class. Well, I could've talked to him during the warmup since he stands right in front of me. I was helping people with makeups so I was away, but I still had a chance. It only gets worse. We went down and played lacrosse on the football field , I wasn't too great.
Back after the gay computer kicked me off. Well, now onto the worst part that is absolutely killing me, or at the least making me want to kill myself. We were walking back to the gym, I walked alone cuz I basically just felt like it and Chelsea and Kate were on retreat. As I was walking Brad speeds up a bit so he is like dead even with me, about 2 feet away, no exaggeration at all. We walked like that, almost all by ourselves, all the way back to the gym, which I have no idea how far it was. He dropped the ball he was cradling and I watched it go under a car and kind of laughed at him, smart me you know. Then he kind of caught up again and I was still quiet. It was the most perfect chance I could have gotten and I was so absolutely stupid and did nothing with it. I was literally hitting myself in the shower and I couldn't think about anything else. I am so pissed at myself, AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! omg, I can't stop thinking about it and just wanting to go back in time and do it differently, I am so so sos so so stupid, ah.
I think there might be a possibility he could like me. There is some serious eye contact, or rather looking going on both ways, and I just get the feeling. He held the door for me, for a while going into the gym, I actually managed to say thanks today and I think he said your welcome. My heart/stomach aches so bad, I just need something, anything to happen. I want to get Steve or someone else to get his sn and then Kate can ask him who he likes since she is so out there,lol. I just want to find out if there is any hope or not, because if there isn't I want to stop obssessing right now. If there is, I want to do something with it. I am definitly talking to him tmw, in hr or before history if it kills me. I feel so stupid it isn't even funny, if I don't talk to him tomorrow I swear I will go out of my mind.
On other notes, crew wasn't bad surprisingly. We had to erg, which sucked, the anticipation more than actual doing. We did 5 minute pieces in teams twice. Sysol and Brielle were with me, we won. I have always been on the winning team the 3 previous times we did team (relays before) races. Ironic, but definitly coincidental. I actually felt good after though, better than in a while after practice. I am going to go eat and do some homework, a good idea dont you think. I am going to try not to think about Brad too much, but I doubt I will be very successful. (frustrated-AHH)

Ashley cast a spell @7:36 PM

Tuesday, October 26, 2004 - Computers Suck

Originally this entry was named B-Rad, so fitting, but that was BEFORE MY GAY COMPUTER FROZE! AH!!! Anger, can't you tell. If it didn't happen at least once every time I got on the computer I wouldn't mind so much. We are getting a new computer this year for Christmas if it kills me, this thing is so old, it is undescribable.
Anyway, back to Brad, lol. Ironically, someone whho joined my Reagan fanlisting, who I am adding today is named Brad. I would go on to talk about him for a thousand years, for I could go longer even than that, but i will spare you all the torture. I shall keep my ranting to myself. (Did I ever mention my computer is excruciatingly slow also, it just loves to exhibit that quality of itself unfailingly, so it may take 4 hours to do something that should have only taken 1 hour to do.) I am quite certain that Brad knows I like him, for if he doesn't, he would have to have very thick skull. It is quite obvious: I stare at him like 24/7 and follow him around almost, he must have figured out it is all not coincidental. What I really want to know it what he thinks, I promise not to talk too much more on this topic. Myabe it was just me, but in the library today, I had a view of him, but most times it was obstructed and your had to move around to see. Anyway, many times during the 15 or so miuntes I was sitting there he kept leaning back in his chair like he was trying to see around something and looking in my direction. I should have checked to see if there was anyone or thing behind me worth looking at, but it was weird. In addition, this one is probably all jst paranoid thinking, it seemed like he was attempting to stalk me/walk near me today more than usual. I was very sad I missed lunch with him, next week I am going to take it 4th and D day when he has it.
I didnt really get anything done on the site though I have been meaning to update it with some new personal content. I am also working on a new layout which will hopefully be up by the end of the week with any luck.
Here is a quix I found on one of the new Reagan member's site:
HASH(0x89855f8)

My outercourse activity is snuggling!
Which Sexual Outercourse Act Are You? (with pictures)
brought to you by Quizilla
Who doesn't love cuddling, well of girls anyway. I must go read about 50 pages in my history textbook to prepare for my test tomorrow, tata (hopeful-Brad is coming around,lol)

Ashley cast a spell @7:05 PM

Tuesday, October 26, 2004 - Computers Suck

Ashley cast a spell @7:05 PM

Monday, October 25, 2004 - B-Rad

Lol. I can't help smiling and laughing when I hear or say his name. Long time no see, anyways. I've been pretty busy, my social life gets in the way of the computer, lol, j/k. I saw him a lot at the breast cancer walk yesterday and I was even going to ask him about it today, but I lost my nerve, of course, you know me. I am really going to try my hardest tomorrow in homeroom, and if not then before history. I had the perfect chance on the way to history today. I was walking up right behind him and there was no one else even in the stairwell and he even looked back at me for a split second, but I am gay and kept my mouth shut as if it were stapled shut.
Painting my nails now although I should be doing homework, fiery and black, it looks interesting to say the least. Crew isn't as bad as usual, although I am really pissed that I am not racing this weekend and the only race I will be in is the weekend of my party.
I really can't stop thinking about Brad, if something of any sort, whether he totally rejects me or even just talks to me, w/e, doesn't happen soon I am going to go completly out of my mind as I am heading there right now. I need to shun my pride and just say something to him tomorrow, Lord grant me the courage, strength, boldness and confidence to just talk to Brad tomorrow, amen. lol. I need all the help I can get. (crushed - actually crushing,lol)

Ashley cast a spell @8:19 PM

Monday, October 18, 2004 - Still Writing

I am almost done, just working on my conclusion now, nothing at all, lol. I wonder I well I am going to do on this. I basically did the whole thing today, I got almost all my info from 1 book, basically just rewriting the book in my won words. I really wouldn't be surprised if I actually do better than usual because usually I do a lot of work and don't do that great. Last year I remember working my butt off for almost an entire week and then getting a 78. I still have to do a Chem lab report for Thursday, and millions of Chem problems and studying for Friday. I also have model U.N. research to read and I also have to write a short paper on that. Grammar test later this week, I should be reading an English book, but I haven't started that yet either. It can all wait right, lol. Man, talk about stress, I really need to just relax more I suppose, my temper has definitly been flaring lately also, not a good thing either. Music and sports really are the only things that can relax me althought writing like this can help sometimes too.
I miss Brad, lol. Only 8 hours til I get to see him, can't you see I am counting down, how pathetic can you get, lol. I told Kate now that her and Rob aren't going anywhere she can hook up with one of Brad's friends so we can double date or at least get together, but more importnantly she can help me. I really need all the help I can get, that is why for once I am telling everyone in creation who I like so maybe they will help me or worst comes to worst tell him, so I can at least find out what he thinks.
I should go finish my paper. I am really getting tired of reading and talking about the patriots and loyalists, it isn't all that entertaining. (working)

Ashley cast a spell @11:31 PM

Sunday, October 17, 2004 - Papers,ahhh!!

Yea, in case I haven't mentioned it before, I really hate papers. I have an 8 page history paper due on Tuesday that I have barely begun researching for. Shhhh. I know, really last minute, this is actually the worst I have ever done with procrastinating, I just couldn't bring myelf to start working on it before now. I am really screwed.
In other news, lol. I love Brad, lol. Man, an obssession more precisely stated. The only thing that makes me look forward to going back to school on Tuesday. I don't have the heart to talk anymore, I am probably going to sleep soon so I can get up early to work on my paper all day. What a great day to look forward to, especially since it will probably be an all nighter, lol. (Why am I laughing, thinking about the work only makes me want to cry) (stressed)

Ashley cast a spell @11:31 PM

Wednesday, October 13, 2004 - Newspaper

I should be writing my newspaper articles, only 1 left, but it is too tedious,lol. It is not nearly late enough either.
It is much easier to blog now I am on ftp, I must say. It is much nicer too. Did some update yesterday, and started working on a new layout, I'll probably get it up soon, hopefully, it will be a simple one, but one that is on one of my favorite things, a big hint right, lol.
PSAT was a piece of cake if you asked me. It was a good excuse to sit in a classsroom all morning and stare at Brad, who I noticed was wearing orange socks,lol. (bored)

Ashley cast a spell @11:59 PM

Tuesday, October 12, 2004 - MY BIRTHDAY!!!!!

Yea, you are probably wondering what the hell I am doing on the gay computer on my birthday (sorry for the language). Well, my family doesn't love me, j/k, and I have nothing else to do (besides homeowrk, which I am definitly not doing on my birthday, PSATs tomorrow anyway,lol). My birthday went pretty well altogether. I got a lot of nice signs from everyone, and all my friends successfully remembered it and said happy bday. I was happy. I still didn't talk to Brad, but we made some good eye contact, lol. Well, it happened in homeroom, and then in gym. We did pullups, I did pretty bad, only didn't fail because Ms. Clemens pretty much lifted the girls up for them. I still did pretty bad, but definitly not the worst, thank God. Brad wasn't really strong either, he got 5, by himself as he is a guy, which wasn't bad, but most of the other guys beat him. Really, I prefer him not really strong, cuz most really strong guys are cocky, and just annoying. Bodybuilding types who are obssessed with their bodies are annoying too. Anyway, he definitly noticed me, lol. Maybe he thinks I'm some phsycho who won't stop staring at him though ,lol. Kate said he was quite the gentleman in Geometry, he picked something of Roe's that flew across the room and helped someone else with something also. After school it was kind of weird, I saw him waiting for his bus, and then when I got on the bus, and as we were pulling away, he was walking in the direction of my bus, almost right behind it, say 20 ft. It was really weird.
Anyway, I am going, I am done being a computer nerd, so now I can go be a Brad obssessor and homework nerd, lol. ttyl (pleased)

and Ashley cast a spell @ 7:47 PM

Saturday, October 9, 2004 - Stranded

I am stranded at my mom's house right now. I really wanted to be up at my Dad's by now, but w/e I guess right. I can't wait for Cait's party tonight, it should be awesome. I still don't know what to do with my hair though, who knows, I'll have to ask some people what they are doing.

Ashley cast a spell @ 2:14 PM

Friday, October 8, 2004 - the weekend

The best description I could think of for this entry. My feelings on the weekend are highly ambiguous, mainly for only 1 reason (a person, can you guess who it is?). I love the weekend, always. No school, 3 day weekend this one in particular, not much work, no crew, less worries. This weekend is also Kate's party, which is going to be awesome, and Laura's party which should also be majorly cool. But, there is the other factor. What is the other factor you may ask? Well, their name happens to begin with a B, then an r, then an a, and then a d. I have fun writing, in case you couldn't tell. Back to the point, yes, Brad is the cause for my ambivalance (I like that word). I am falling head over heels for him. It is so sad and aggravating. I really preferred last year when I didn't like anyone, life was so much simpler. Kate says I can do better, lol, she says he looks awkward and kind of gawky. Probably better for me that way, so I have more of a chance, lol.
One thing I recognize I have to change about myself is my patience/tolerance level. I am much too short with my family especially, I feel very badly about it when it happens with dad, cuz he is awesome. I don't know,it is really hard, I have tried many a time to try and improve or correct this flaw of mine, but have been quite unsuccessful. With all the other worries I have it takes that much more effort to keep a cool head, especially being around Alex so much, who can get your nerves pitched in like 2 seconds. (quixotic-funny word it means, marked by rash lofty romantic ideas or extravagantly chivalrous action )

Ashley cast a spell @ 12:52 PM

Thursday, October 7, 2004 - Brad

You will never believe what happened this morning. I had taken some tea in a thermus type cup with me to school because my throat was bothering me. I did okay, got into the caf before homeroom and was talking to some people. Rob walked in, he had some coffee from Wawa, so he was talking to me and I goto take a swig of my tea, and my mouth misses the hole, so it goes down the whole front of my shirt. Take about luck right. I couldn't help but laugh, although I can imagine I was blushing pretty bad. It was so funny though, I actually didn't really feel all that embarrassed, my friends were the only ones who saw, and they are all cool. I was joking with Rob that I was going to kill him, and he replied that it wasn't his fault that he was so hott that it made me spill my tea, lol. All in good fun. I just borrowed a shirt from the nurse, all's well that ends well, right.
I am really falling for Brad seriously though. He is really cute, better than that, definitly hott. I know I have like no chance, but hey, why not dream. I really just want to actually sit down and have a nice chat with him, or at least utter one word to him, lol. He probably thinks I am stalking him because I stare at him like 24/7 whenever I see him. I have hired Steve to talk with him becasue he has like 4 classes with him, and Brad sits right behind him in all the classes because of alphabetical order.
My whole situation is pie compred to Kate's though. She really likes, and has liked Rob for quite a while now. He, of course, though, has a girlfriend, one of our friends, Rosemarie. But a few days ago, on her birthday ironically, she was talking to him online, and later on the phone, and they both got it across that they liked each other. Well, unfortunatly, Rob is not exactly free to ask Kate out, and hasn't yet decided who he is going to choose, which is not fair on either of the girls. He is one confusing man though, because he tells Kate he really likes her, more than Roe, but then proceeds to almost make out with Roe everyday in the hallway. *cough"player*cough*. lol. I must count my stars, to a certain extent.
Crew is a lot better. I am actually rowing now, port instead of my usual starboard, but I am getting used to it. We are having good practices, showing clear signs as my blisters are back in full force, and I think I am improving a lot too. I still suck at the whole running thing, and Mike really isn't any better, but my boat is working with Emily so I am not too worried about him at the moment. (happy)

Ashley cast a spell @ 8:47 PM

Tuesday, October 5, 2004 - Moved!

The site is moved! *much rejoicing* There are broken links all over the place, and I still have to move a bit, but it is overally moved. I didn't manage to make use of the php, I'll have to add that on at a later time.
Besides, crew is getting worse, if that was possible, had off today, thank the lord. I am getting really obssessed over Brad, lol. I can't stop thinking about him. I stare at him, or look for him all day, he probably thinks I am stalking him lol. He is so hott, though, and he seems really nice. I would really like to get to know him, since I have talked to him about twice, ever. It's kind of a fascination now, I don't know if I would even get along with him or match well. It's one of those mysteries in life, and intangible feelings you can't even begin to control. I have no luck with guys though. I am not bad looking, I am just most certainly not thin in the slightest way. I am not like huge or anything, just you, know, w/e. Thus, most guys won't even consider or look at me like "girlfriend",or w/e else, potential. This only makes my confidence even worse than it would usually be, so I have absolutely none around guys, and I can't even begin to think that a guy would like me. The whole thing just maes makes me sick, lol. (lonely)

Ashley cast a spell @ 10:37 PM

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